Hank's Horny Halloween
by MagicTaleMan
Summary: Hank Hill goes on a spook-tacular adventure, which is like Hank's Good Dream but everything that happens in this story... is REAL? WARNING: Contains 500% more memes.
1. Chapter 1: Hank Gets a Movie

**"Hank's Horny Halloween"**

It's October 30th in Arlen, Texas, and our hero Hank Hill has been out of the hospital for several months since that time he fell into a coma (see Hank's Good Dream). He is now in his garage carving pumpkins for his Halloween porch. Then his wife Peggy comes into the garage and opened her mouth widely. "HANK!" yelled Peggy. "I told you that's not what you carve 'em with!" "And I told you Peggy, if my dick is sharp enough to carve jack-off-lanterns, then it's sure as hell sharp enough to stab your ass!" Then Hank turned his dick around when it suddenly exploded in Peggy's fully made-up face. "Oh shit," said Hank. "Sorry Peggy. That was supposed to be the candle wax."

"That's it Hank, I have had it with your shenanigans. You are gonna put your clothes on, go outside, and you're gonna fetch Bobby a new trick-or-treating costume. He is too big to wear the one from last year." "What're you talking about Peggy? He looks just like David Bowie." Then we cut to his son Bobby dressed up as David Bowie, and also looks like Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars. And now back to Hank. "Okay fine" he said. "Let's get you some new digs, Bobby."

After the two of them changed, Hank and Bobby leave home in the red truck. And on the way there, Bobby stuck his head out the window and got hit with a stop sign. That didn't hurt him because his gelatinous fat made him immune to pain. On closer inspection, the sign turned out to belong to the one and only JACK BLACK! But they couldn't find him so they just kept driving.

Now the two of them made it to Mega-Lo-Mart, and they're having a sale on all the Halloween shit; candies, costumes, and jack-off-lanterns of course. Hank tries to find a suitable outfit for Bobby this year, but they're all cringy get-ups instead of anything scary at all. "Let's see what we have here: a pumpkin, big green ogre, 5 Nights at Babby's, Spinglebab…" And then Hank comes across an outfit that he thought was too scary. "BWAAAAAAAAAH! SPOOKY SCARY SKELETON! …Oh it's only a Sans costume, Bobby. Nothing to be afraid of."

Finally, Hank saw something that was beyond expectations. "Holy crap Bobby, I've got it!" He then pointed to a slutty nun costume, and had him change into it. "Will it make me look purdy?" asked Bobby. "Yes it would," said Hank as he grew bedroom eyes and squeezed Bobby's butt, "Halloween purdy."

The two of them head to a checkout line, with Bobby slithering in his new sexy nun costume. But this cashier named Tate is standing there, and he doesn't like what he sees. "I'm sorry sir," said Tate. "Your blob's gonna have to put that costume back." "Blobby's gonna wear this costume and YOU'RE gonna like it!" said Hank with a stern face. "Alright, alright," said Tate, "I'll make it free." "You will?" "Sure, with the purchase of _My Little Pony: the Movie_ on Blu-ray." "You fucking bastard." Even though Hank despised the offer, he purchased the movie and the costume that comes with it, and took Bobby home. And they still never found Jack Black.


	2. Chapter 2: Hank Gets a Scared Ainis

It is officially evening, and it's time once again for the boys to drink out in the alley. Hank, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer, and some dude visiting from San Antonio who happens to be a fat dude who wears a full-body skeleton cowboy costume. He prefers to be called Ghost.

"Hey Bill," said Dale. "I bet you're too big of a pussy to watch _It_ without peeing yourself." "Yeah," said Bill, "Well I bet you can't even sit thru _Happy Death Day_." "You're on, PUSSY!" The two are interrupted by Hank who says "will you two idiots shut up? I'm trying to think of what I'm gonna do with this dumbass MLP movie." "Hold on a second," said Ghost. "You said MLP movie? I'll take that off your hands so that *cough* MAH KEEEEEDZ can see it." Then Ghost runs away with Hank's copy of the MLP movie to fap away at it. "Who the hell was that?" wondered Hank.

"So Hank," asks Dale, "will you be attending the big costume party tomorrow night? There will be vodka…" Then on the word vodka, Hank suffers a Vietnam-War like flashback to the dream he had where Dale was a Russian zombie. He immediately punches Dale in the face profusely while yelling "take this you filthy communist!" Dale calls for help, and as Boomhauer was smoking a joint, he begins to strip to his leopard-skin underwear, exposing his imperfect tan, dashes towards Hank, rips his own dick out and projects it into Hank's ainis. Hank makes some screams of agony and Dale runs off screaming like the bigger pansy to his home next door.

After Boomhauer was done, a shriveled Hank stood up with his ass full of cum and Peggy was standing there with discern. "I can't believe you Hank!" said Peggy. "First you were putting your dick in the vegetables, and now you gave Dale a bloody nose! You are grounded, grounded, GROUNDED for 1,234,567,890 years and 1,234,567,890 days! You will not be able to attend this year's costume party, or next year's!" "No! You can't do this to me Peggy! I'm the one with the penis and you have a vagina so I'm the man of the house and I say I'm NOT grounded!" "Did you just assume my gender, Hank? I identify as a shemale!" She takes her pants off and shows off her springing schlong. "OH SHIT!" says Hank as he knows he's about to get dicked in the ass twice, and this time with his son Booby watching them from the window. Hank's ass looks scared. And Bill says one last thing before the real action begins. "Peggy, in all the times that I've seen you… I have never felt more attracted to you than seeing you with your shemale throbbing penis." "Ha, GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" hollers Dale from his house.

With Peggy's unusual member completely showing, she orders Bill and Boomhauer to go home and hogties her unfaithful husband. "Peggy please, have mercy!" cried Hank, but to no avail. Peggy would paddle his ass with her big dick multiple times, just to hear her husband squeal. Then she grabs Hank by the butt and says "now here's why they call me the throbbing heart of Texas!" She puts him down and starts to pierce Hank's already hurt rectum, and repeatedly thrusts it with increasing speed, eventually going so fast that it would set Hank's hole on fire if there was even any oxygen inside. Hank started to cry, but then Peggy decided to gag his mouth with her ejaculating dick. And Hank could already feel it beating. "Go on," said Peggy, "swallow it. ALL of it." Then the gay little Hank swallows it down like a proper old whore.

Then Peggy notices a bit of the lady semen spilled on the road, she slapped Hank in the face with her meat while shouting "BAD BOY! BAD BOY! You do not miss a spit, got it?" Hank coughs while trying to say "yes dear." The two of them finished. Peggy unties Hank and they both walked inside, not noticing Bobby had already splooshed his cum onto the window.


	3. Chapter 3: Hank Gets a Bone Err

Later that night, Hank was in bed with his wife. And he couldn't sleep as he remembered the hot throbbing COCK that Peggy had stuffed repeatedly in his ainis. Whenever he tried to dream about his son, he couldn't get past Peggy's monster lady dick. And no, not even when he just wanted to dream about propane, he can't get away from it. Eventually, he couldn't go to sleep. Instead, he just laid there and thought about that tasty she-penis. He took a peek from the front of their bed while Peggy was sound asleep, and was like "oh my god, _it's bigger than mine!_ "

Feeling hot and stiff in the nether region, Hornk decides to get up, go to the kitchen, and have himself a bowl of cereal. He opens the fridge for some milk and remembers he forgot to get it at the store. He just shrugs it and masturbates into his cereal while thinking of Peggy's dick. He has a taste of it, and it doesn't taste that good to him. "Gee, Peggy's tastes better too." Then his dog Ladybird walks into the kitchen for some reason. "What's that, girl? You want a taste of Hank's jizzled flakes? Here, you can have the rest." After feeding Ladybird his cereal, Hank goes back to bed and fantasizes again about Peggy's big throbbing wet dick.

But he still can't sleep. Because somewhere in the distance, he could hear a loud splash of beer cans and a hambone tard shouting. Ghost is angry that his DVD/Blu-ray player isn't working. The only thing Hank could do about it is bend himself so his vertebrae would snap, give himself the succ, and cry himself to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4: Hank Gets a New Dick

Finally it was October 31st, and Hank was at his job at Strickland Propane, whoring off his propane as he typically does but this time dressed as a pimp. His boss Mr. Strickland dressed up as Colonel Sanders noticed that Hank was depressed so he stepped outside and asked Hank what's the matter. "Well Mr. Strickland," said Hank. "I've become attracted to my wife's penis." Strickland gave a big laugh and then was like "what?" "I can't get over it, Strickland, it tasted so THICC and juicy." "Well Hank, was it EXTRA THICC?" "Yep." "Not to worry. Ol' Buck here can get you some hoes at the Halloween party tonight, and they'll be even THICCER than your wife's dick. Y'all up for it?" "Sure, I guess."

As the store closed early for the big party, Hank and Mr. Strickland part ways for the time being. Mr. Strickland drives off to get Hank some sexy hookers while Hank drives down to McDonald's to order some food. The person in front of him took a while to order two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda. Then when he gets to the speaker, he starts ordering. "Hi, can I get some Schezwan sauce with a side of those crispy chicken tenders please?" Then some guy named Nixed answers and says "I'm sorry, we're fresh out of Schezwan sauce since 20 years ago. Would you like any other type of sauce?" "I'd like my wife's sauce- I mean I'd like some BBQ sauce." Then he switches to an angry tone and says, "seriously, you better fork over the Schezwan sauce that I know you guys have or I'll come in there and start kicking your ass!"

Then one ass-kicking later, Hank goes home with nothing and says "I guess they really didn't have it." He also left McDonald's in flames.

Once Hank got home, he and Bobby have a little talk. "Now Bobby," says Hank, "since you're clearly too fat to be eating any candy, I'm gonna have to bar you from trick or treating this year." And Bobby cries "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" and starts to claw at his dad Hank. "Cut it out you little shit! Why don't you watch something spooky tonight?" his son barks with glee and Hank opens the tape rack. Among the titles he has on the rack are _Friday the 13_ _th_ , _Swing You Sinners!_ , _Elmo's World: The Lost Episode_ , _Nancy Gribble & John Redcorn's Sex Tape_, and _The Emoji Movie_. (wait, seriously?) "Here's a good one," said Hank. "It's called _Doogal Goes to Hell_ , and it features my man Jon Stewart as the devil _._ " He sticks the video tape into the VCR and leaves his blob of a son to get himself dressed as a pimp again.

"Hey Luanne," he called out to his niece, "you got your zombie outfit on?" "Uncle Hank, I already AM a zombie! You had me satanically resurrected earlier after I died." "Shut your stanky hole, ya stank bitch" said Pimp Hank. Peggy comes out of the bathroom wearing a tiny witch costume. "How do you like my costume, Hank? _It comes with a broomstick!_ " She says as she strokes her flesh rod like it's some type of horse, with Hank trying to resist looking at it and failing to contain his boner. "Vile temptress!" he shouts. He pulls out a bottle of holy water, pours it all over her and shouts "the power of Christ compels you!" Peggy starts to burn, and begins to melt into shit, leaving behind her soul which for some reason flies into Hank's urethra and causing him to feel funny. Now he doesn't just get Peggy's she-dick, his dick has _become_ Peggy's she-dick. "By the power of Greyskull" said Hank, "I HAVE THE PENOR!"

"What the hell?!" shouted a frightened Luanne, "I thought Peggy was just wearing a costume and not a real witch!" Then Hank turned to her and says, "Does it even fucking matter when you're the one standing there as an actual fucking zombie Luanne? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Let's clean this shit up and go to the party already." Hank stuffs his evolved penis inside his pants, snorts a little cocaine, and he and his zombie niece leave for the party, while the autistic Bobby sits at the TV enjoying the movie.


	5. Chapter 5: Hank Gets Laid Tonight

Finally, Hank made it to the costume party. Everyone there is having a good time, Dale is at the party dressed as a Russian zombie drinking vodka while spewing "jet fuel can't melt steel beams", and Luanne is able to blend in despite being a real zombie and is eating Dale's non-zombie flesh. Dale doesn't seem to mind it at all because John Redcorn is already eating him while dressed like Pocahontas. And someone brought a _Mrs. Ghostman_ arcade machine to the party which made it even cooler.

But some of them can't help but notice that powerful bulge in Hank's pimp pants. So when he got to the center of the room, he unzipped his fly and pulled the fucker out. "Ladies and gentlemen," he spoke. "I… have a new penis! And it is far better than my wife's!"

For some reason he was expecting people to cheer for him, but what actually happened was they were screaming at the sight of his monstrous pulsating cock, full of veins and riddled with smegma. "Goddamn, Hank," said Mr. Strickland, "Save that thing for the orgy! Y'all gonna scare off my bitches, and you're traumatizing the kids!"

"Wait a minute" said Hank, " _KIDS?!_ We have _KIDS_ in this adults-only costume party?! What type of hypocrisy is this?" Hank looked around and saw there were indeed a few children. Bert & Ernie's retard nephews Bort & Ornie, Cookie Monster's retard cousin Corkie Monster, Elmo himself, and Kermit's shit child Joel. Yes, essentially the Retard Muppet Babies.

Corkie goes up to Hank's dick and keeps saying "SAUSAGE", like her only thought was devour the thing. "NO! NO! HANDS OFF THE MERCHANDISE!" yelled Hank. And she gnawed on it anyway like it was a Bugs Bunny carrot. Strickland, still wearing his Colonel Sanders suit from earlier, says "that shit must be finger-lickin' good!" Hank tries to keep his erection away from Corkie, but he couldn't. Eventually, he lets go of his full load, as well as Peggy's soul, and sprays all over Corkie's face. "Aw no, my larger penis is gone!" The sexy hookers that Strickland brought over for Hank saw this and were so disgusted they left the party. "WAIT," cried Hank, "COME BACK MY BITCHES!" Nobody wanted to see a mac-daddy cry, so everybody went home.

One of the party-goers also happened to be the sheriff, who charges Hank with sexually molesting a Muppet, and possibly murdering his witch wife. Things are not going Hank's way this year.


	6. Epilogue: Hank Gets Da Bootay

…Or are they? Hank would've served time in prison if it weren't for his friends Boomhauer, who's above the sheriff as a Texas Ranger, and ace attorney Phoenix Wright, who later convinced the court that Hank threw the holy water at his wife in self-defense, and that the Muppet child was in fact two grown men under a cum-rag.

A month later, Hank would finally return home to his obese son Bobby who's still wearing the kinky nun costume that he gave him. "Hey dad, where've you been?" "I'll tell you where I want to go right now Bobby: back into my dreams where I was several months ago. At least they weren't as screwed up as this shit."

Hank gathers whatever pills he could find, but Bill took most of them so all he has left are two aspirins. "I guess this'll work." He drinks them with water and toddles to bed. "See you when I wake up, Bobby." Then Hank goes to sleep.

He dreams that he's tapping some EXTRA THICC booty. In reality, Bobby microwaved some of Peggy's old feces, molded it into a ball, and squeezed it over Hank's floppy penis. He winks at us as the story ends happily ever after.


End file.
